Too early to move on with your life after someone else?
Of course if its just fresh, you're always thinking about him.. possibly what it could have been and where it could have gone. I know that I had high hopes for where things could have gone and what they could have been.. but as usual its in the heat of the moment and it never seems to go anywhere for whatever reason that there may be.
I know there's still a little sting, but I really think that his long, extended way of leaving kinda helped me along. I knew it was coming and although, when it came I was super upset.. now I'm either numb or I've moved on really quickly.. which I don't think happened because.. He was amazing. He was everything I needed and we learnt such huge amounts.
Its a shame about what happened, on his end and that things couldn't continue but.. as he said.. he wasn't giving me what I needed.. or deserve. So I guess life moves on. Of course he'll never be forgotten.. and he'll always have that special place but.. when is it okay to move on?
*ponders a little*
I've kept my blog to myself for a while now, while I was processing.. there wasn't many thoughts that I would write down, considering I was emailing him and.. they're all now deleted. Its a shame that I didn't keep copies of some of those emails because some were really great.
They were all so deep, so meaningful.
So I'm back now.. and I hope that things go well. Its just the beginning of a new journey and the close of an old. He'll always be around.. and I hope things get better for him.
Once upon a time, there was this evil website and obviously a lot of people online, I think it had something to do with sex but i'm not entirely sure.
Magically these two people started, one a guy who we shall call Daddy and one a girl, who we shall name Angel. They spoke for a few hours..she had a big smile on her face, happy that for once someone just didn't want to get into her pants. Things developed further and they made their way onto Yahoo Messenger where they spoke pretty much every day, things eventuated and they were both happy.. after a few weeks, she became his sub, his pet and him her Sir.. she was extremely happy that they were finally together because ever since day one, her feelings had grown and grown for him, although he did not know.
Soon after this, pet had gone on vacation to the United States and Sir was having some personal issues, while she was away things had ended between them, to give him some time to figure it out, in this time pet was very upset and didn't enjoy much of her time away as all she could think of was Sir, how much she wanted to see him, be with him and how much she wished to be in his arms. It was a very hard time for her and she was devastated. Her trip continued and three and a half weeks later she was back home, they were talking every day and still incredibly close, in her opinion, more than ever. She cherished him as a best friend, as someone she could talk to whenever and about whatever, she trusted him with everything and he was always there for her.
During the weeks after pet being home, she got into another relationship with another guy, in this time Sir was still there, not as Sir obviously but he still cared for pet, like she was his own, he gave her all the advice she pushed.. and in the end asked for and was always there no matter what happened, looking after her, making sure she was okay and that everything was going as best as it could. Soon after that ended a week later due to issues on both sides, Sir and pet were still extremely close, she never forgot him, a day never passed where he wasn't in her mind, he meant the world to her and he always has, she's always had and kept that special little part of her heart for him.. each and every day her feelings grow more for him.
Moving along, after that relationship with 'the other one' Sir soon became Daddy and pet became Angel or little gurl.. His angel and His little girl. She was extremely happy to be his again, that empty part in her heart was filled again and things got better and better until soon after Daddy began having a few issues. This, till this very day tears his angel apart and she feels so lost and helpless, his words travel through her head every day.. "Everything will be okay" but she misses him a huge amount and she feels so empty without him. She cares so much and to see him hurting sucks. Tonight Daddy and Angel spoke on voice and he sounded so scared, so upset.. it hurt her so much that.. all he had to say was " I Miss You" a few times for her to break down and be in tears.
Her feelings still grow for him, every day.. You could almost say love, but maybe that's too strong for now... She craves him, his voice and the way he treats her, it makes her feel complete and like he's the best thing in the world. She just wants him to be happy, she wants them both to be happy together instead of.. worried and hoping that everything will be okay, she wants everything to be okay and everything to be perfect. She'd love nothing less than to be in his arms while they're wrapped around her.. she knows that he'd love that too.
She just wants him to know that she's always here for him when he needs someone to support him most., and if its not as his litter girl, its as his equal.
Sometimes, people are incredibly annoying, I have no time or patience for anyone or anything, It may not be so much the peoples fault but I guess mine in the end, I lose any time or patience i had at the beginning so super quick. I'm so over everything lately, I'm over peoples bullshit and excuses.. I just want, whatever it is so be blunt and straight out there. There's no need for sugar coating, along with that.. I really don't give a fuck.. or two.
Life is at a good point for me right now, there are no 'official' relationships and as much as I want one, I don't really need one.. I'm happy where I am, I know that I have people who care for me and will always be there, I have a person (s) that makes me incredibly happy and smiling, all the time even if I don't like to admit it.. I'm happy here. Wherever here may be.
I'm still so incredibly confused and lost, but I'm a teenager, what else would I be? Hehe.
Life is okay, outside of work now that all the drama is over..
As for work.. When I'm in the right mood I'm sure a nice angry post will come..
Life's so sucky at the moment, and I wish people would get the hint, that I'm not interest nor do I give a fuck, so they can like.. move on with their lives.
Beyond that..
Its just that feeling.. of wanting so badly to be in his arms, but he's way too far :(
I started writing this post, yesterday I believe and came back to it today, I wasn't sure what to write but I think I'll just ramble on a little.
The person was someone close but not close enough for me to be crying and stuff, sure it was very sad, but it was also interesting to see, it was the first funeral I had been to and I'm glad it was that one, it was all closed coffin and the lady, god rest her soul was lowered into the ground in the coffin too. In some other religions I believe its incredibly different e.g Muslims and what not. Just incase you were wondering, I'm Greek Orthodox.
So, I went because my cousin had asked me to go.. but as it usually does she finds comfort in someone else or kinda just things go meh.. and it did, I didn't expect things to go any more different then they did but of course i was kinda disappointed, all that aside, most of it was okay, it went how they normally go, everyone was crying, sad, showing their respects to the family, but it was her time to go, she had suffered so long, in the slightest, I mean, being diagnosed with a critical heart condition, almost 19 years ago.. she had a tough life and now she can finally be at rest.
It makes me sad, when things like this happen, the lady was 61 years of age, she was young.. now put things into perspective and know that your grandparents are older, or your father has just passed 50.. and each and every one of them could be right around the corner, or some freak accident could happen and someone really close to you could pass, its sad, but its part of life and something we must deal with on a daily basis, I guess going to these things just make the thoughts that flood through a little worse or more intense for the moment.
It kinda sucks.. I lie.. it really fucking sucks but i guess it'll all be okay for now, I couldn't imagine the day that i lost someone really close to me.. I'd be a complete and utter mess.
What can we do? for now we don't think of these things, just I guess, know the time will come.
Its a pity when you have those friends you classify as 'very close' or 'great' and then others come across and push their nose into things.. causing that persons train of thought to go fucked.. its like watching your best friend in high school be influenced by the 'bitch' and suddenly from doing well in school they begin doing drugs and never turning up.. It feels like you lose apart of you, someone you could trust and talk to. But really how much could you if in just a short time this person has been influenced that much that their thoughts have turned to shit?Its such a shame to watch, to lose what you had, no matter how long it was for and what it was.. it will always be something and always had been something.
Maybe they're happier where they are now? maybe in the near future they'll be running from that and back to what they had.. but how long do you keep that spot open? do you risk it all happening again and you getting hurt? when do you close off and expect better from people? When do you know when enough is enough? Do you have to be the nice one that gets walked all over all the time, the one that's always left those spots open, that catches every 'friend' when they fall?
Do these people ever realise what they're doing to the other person?
Do they understand how much this hurts, every time it happens?
Do they even really care..?
So many thoughts, so many questions.. you can answer them all from what you see, but what do they think about it all? Do they read or see something and come running to you the next day with what you've heard many times before or do they continue
to ignore you?
Is Karma the answer?
Will that sort your thoughts?
Will it sort your problems?
Will it sort your everything?
Who knows, what's supposed to be in this big, wide world, who knows what's supposed to be the answer to anything, to everything. Apparently god has a plan.. apparently there's a one for everyone, some day we'll all get ours.. we just have to wait and see.
There's always that awkward moment when a really good friend goes out with someone you can't stand.. and they could do and have so much better.. knowing that when/if things end, it'll be a train wreck.
Tonight's going to be a sad night.
I'm about ready to curl into a small ball and cry myself to sleep.
I'm so incredibly depressed and people are so blind.
Its always like, i'm around to catch people when they fall, but when i'm falling or hitting the ground, no one is there, they use, abuse and walk away when they don't want anything more.
I'm over being the one that's always there for them..
I can't wait to go on holidays and escape, maybe find someone to cuddle for an hour or two.. and just live life, if its that good, i won't want to come back.. but at least its time away from online and out of the house..
I found this song on YouTube the other day, just randomly searching, listening while I worked, trying to drown out my thoughts and stop myself going crazy. I like it. might not fit so well with the post but whatever.
I have so much to say, so so much on my mind.. and its certainly driving me crazy. I'll try.. say as much as I can. - No names will ever be mentioned.
One;- I'd say sorry to you, but you don't deserve a sorry. I know, and I've been told to cut you some slack, be just be nice.. which I'm not being mean.. but for what you called me, I couldn't give a fuck if you some how found a hole to rest in for an hour or two. I'd never wish anyone dead, I don't wish you dead, I don't want you to be jealous because of me.. I don't want to hurt you or take anyone away from you, but I can't help how he feels.. can I?
Two;- You, of course, mean the world to me, but I'm sorry.. as you see it now, is how it must say.. unless something magical happens in the near future. I will always be here for you.
Three;- You're one big confusion. Feelings? No feelings? *shrugs* Whatever. Silence is the key.
Four;- From day one, you were my lover, a couple of.. weeks? later you turned into someone I hated, with a freaking passion, Today, you're like my best friend. You mean an awful lot to me.. even if I don't say so.. and you, you... maybe one day. (Just like you told me the other day.)
Five;- You annoy me to no end sometimes. I'm glad you're happy again. You truly deserve it.
Best Female Friend?
Six;- One of the newest friends, I care about you a tonne, but sometimes one needs to learn when to trust and when not too, how much to let someone in and when to see the big picture and turn left before its too late.. I'm so sorry this happened to you, you deserve so so much more. My thoughts are with you.
Seven;- Another new one.. This journey has been so much fun! You're an amazing guy.. a great friend. You deserve the world.
.Everyone.Equally.Give Everyone, A Fair Chance.
Some of these are short.. but straight to the point. some of you might read this and think..wtf? but others will read and know who I'm talking about. If you can figure it out... good job. ;)
I'm not sure if I should continue this post or, write another one about whatever else is on my mind..
I've decided as of late, *wrinkles her nose* that relationships, online are the worst idea ever.
Of course, I feel so lonely, and there are so many people willing to change it, make me happy and be what they can for me.. but if I'm not going to meet you and be in your arms some time soon, I don't think it could ever be possible. I'm at that stage where.. words just don't cut it.. I need someone that can hold me tight and be there, a shoulder to cry on when I most need it. Instead of some of these *** and extra words just written.. I apologise in advance from now, to everyone ever.. that if I hurt you, its unintentional, that I don't want too and it was never I thought that went through my head. These thoughts might change.. if the 'right' person comes a long, but I doubt that, there's a person now, that could be my everything.. but I'm too scared, to much in the mood to run and hide instead of face what others are willing to do and be.
Nothings ever forever. I'm so extremely skeptical, I have so much self doubt, I'm so scared of getting hurt.. that.. for now, I'll just continue to run, because running will keep me safe.. *rolls my eyes*
I type this, and I think, what a load of shit, I know its not correct, I'm not perfect like so many people think, I have more flaws than the average person, I just choose to hide them.. not everyone sees them.. and some how, this makes me perfect? - No one is perfect.
I hate seeing friends in pain.. I hate seeing them fall apart and not knowing what they should do or how they should cope with things.. I hate not being able to be there to give them a hug or do more than just comfort them with words.. It's only so far they can go.
I have no laptop for a week, it's in for repairs and I decided to take it as a bit of time to myself, of course while I'm at work I'll still be around here and there and will also be there for the people that need me or I may need.. I mean these things always happen, you need your rocks just like everyone else.. I will say, that if I do begin to ignore anyone and drop into the background a bit don't worry and please do know that I'm always here for you.
If you need me.. The best way to contact me is by email.. If you don't have it and would like it, leave me a comment with yours and I'll send you an email which you can reply too, my comments are always approved first!
Sigh.
I feel so helpless, there's two people I wish I was with right now, comforting just being there for them to talk to.. Someone kinda out of the situation that understands and just cares like a friend should.. But I understand that they also need to go through this stuff for themselves and if they need me they will come.
I'll always be here to pick up the pieces.. I will always be here for you. Never forget my lovelies. You all mean so so much to me.
to ignore you?
