Gahh.

Tonight's going to be a sad night.
I'm about ready to curl into a small ball and cry myself to sleep.
I'm so incredibly depressed and people are so blind.
Its always like, i'm around to catch people when they fall, but when i'm falling or hitting the ground, no one is there, they use, abuse and walk away when they don't want anything more.
I'm over being the one that's always there for them..
I can't wait to go on holidays and escape, maybe find someone to cuddle for an hour or two.. and just live life, if its that good, i won't want to come back.. but at least its time away from online and out of the house..


That's all for now..

Armerica.. 00002

Still haven't started packing! Way lazy!!

Armerica.. 00001

Soooooooo, ages ago I mentioned going to the USA right?! For my birthday, depending on how great your memories are..  hehehe...

Days Till I Leave: 

I can't wait!!!

Confusion?

Explosions.

I found this song on YouTube the other day, just randomly searching, listening while I worked, trying to drown out my thoughts and stop myself going crazy. I like it. might not fit so well with the post but whatever.

I have so much to say, so so much on my mind.. and its certainly driving me crazy. I'll try.. say as much as I can. - No names will ever be mentioned.

One;- I'd say sorry to you, but you don't deserve a sorry. I know, and I've been told to cut you some slack, be just be nice.. which I'm not being mean.. but for what you called me, I couldn't give a fuck if you some how found a hole to rest in for an hour or two. I'd never wish anyone dead, I don't wish you dead, I don't want you to be jealous because of me.. I don't want to hurt you or take anyone away from you, but I can't help how he feels.. can I?

Two;- You, of course, mean the world to me, but I'm sorry.. as you see it now, is how it must say.. unless something magical happens in the near future.  I will always be here for you.

Three;- You're one big confusion. Feelings? No feelings? *shrugs* Whatever. Silence is the key.

Four;- From day one, you were my lover, a couple of.. weeks? later you turned into someone I hated, with a freaking passion, Today, you're like my best friend. You mean an awful lot to me.. even if I don't say so..  and you, you... maybe one day. (Just like you told me the other day.) 

Five;- You annoy me to no end sometimes. I'm glad you're happy again. You truly deserve it.

Best Female Friend? 

Six;- One of the newest friends, I care about you a tonne, but sometimes one needs to learn when to trust and when not too, how much to let someone in and when to see the big picture and turn left before its too late.. I'm so sorry this happened to you, you deserve so so much more. My thoughts are with you.

Seven;- Another new one.. This journey has been so much fun! You're an amazing guy.. a great friend. You deserve the world. 

.Everyone.Equally.Give Everyone, A Fair Chance.

Some of these are short.. but straight to the point. some of you might read this and think..wtf? but others will read and know who I'm talking about. If you can figure it out... good job. ;)

I'm not sure if I should continue this post or, write another one about whatever else is on my mind..

I've decided as of late, *wrinkles her nose* that relationships, online are the worst idea ever.

Of course, I feel so lonely, and there are so many people willing to change it, make me happy and be what they can for me.. but if I'm not going to meet you and be in your arms some time soon, I don't think it could ever be possible. I'm at that stage where.. words just don't cut it.. I need someone that can hold me tight and be there, a shoulder to cry on when I most need it. Instead of some of these *** and extra words just written.. I apologise in advance from now, to everyone ever.. that if I hurt you, its unintentional, that I don't want too and it was never I thought that went through my head.  These thoughts  might change.. if the 'right' person comes a long, but I doubt that, there's a person now, that could be my everything.. but I'm too scared, to much in the mood to run and hide instead of face what others are willing to do and be.

Nothings ever forever. I'm so extremely skeptical, I have so much self doubt, I'm so scared of getting hurt.. that.. for now, I'll just continue to run, because running will keep me safe.. *rolls my eyes*

I type this, and I think, what a load of shit, I know its not correct, I'm not perfect like so many people think, I have more flaws than the average person, I just choose to hide them.. not everyone sees them.. and some how, this makes me perfect? - No one is perfect.

Confession 021

I Don't Like This New Blogger Dashboard. 

PLEASE

Grow up and get off my blog.

Stop commenting, I don't care what you  have to say.

Confession.. 020

Please, put your gun away.. oh and that knife. I see you holding there, that one.. right behind your back.. stab it elsewhere.. please.

Sometimes, jealously is so freaking ugly. 

Sigh.

I'm so incredibly antsy tonight.


Almost feels like, i'm about to break down mentally, physically and emotionally.
Like I'm.. I don't know how to explain it, I feel lost and like I want to cry... I've wanted to cry for days, weeks even, but he always seems to swoop down and rescue me just at the right moment.. I don't think today this will happen, I think I finally might have a chance to let go, and cry my eyes out till I can't no more.. except it'll get to the part of crying or where it's supposed to start.. and i'll be like.. what the fuck?

Besides such, I got three solid hours of sleep last night and.. a fourth hour, of very broken, interrupted sleep.. I'm completely shattered and I really wish for nothing more than to be in his arms, or just reading the way he types to me, the way he 'holds' me so close and makes me feel like he's actually here..

Funny, just as I was going through to fix a few spelling errors in those first couple of paragraphs, he replied to, two of my emails from earlier.. sure it means a lot.. but my mood has changed none, I feel no better and this REALLY sucks.

It hurts, so much.


Why does this always happen?


.One.Day.Hope.Isn't.Over.Yet.

Tunes #6!

...

Its so hard.. people think i'm so strong, can hold on.. but there comes a time when you can only go so far, till you fall apart.. and just at that stage, when no one's cared or noticed before.. they wonder why you're upser.. or angry.. or almost in pieces, emotionally, mentally.. and almost physically.. people never understand, people never care.