I...

I'm so worrieddddddd... worried as fuckkkk!

Poor loverboy :(

Sometimes.

I don't like when people comment on my posts because they go back ages and if you haven't read mos of them in some type of sequence they don't know why it was written and it looks a bit silly...

Bad Habit

I have such a horrible habit that happens when I'm feeling down or depressed or.. like a failure that always arises to the surface.. It is absolutely horrible and it drives me crazy. Its like, the worst habit you could ever have, the fact that it can happen in just a few words, the person could be so close and two moments later you've pushed them away too far its almost impossible to save the friendship.

Everyone I speak to, I speak to because I want to, I tell them what I want too and if I don't, I obviously won't.. but sometimes I just can't handle.. I find things impossible and over the top.. Its not always but of course it happens a load around that time of month. I don't mean too.. sometimes it just happens out of my control.. and all I want to hear is.. "no.. don't go."

Its that.. human thing of wanting to be needed, wanting to feel like you're wanted other than.. "yeah go- if that's what you need" because obviously I don't need to go, I just need.. I guess a pair of arms around me. and It's bad, because of the way that I go about it. This is my fault, yeah.. but I haven't quite figured out how to get around it yet.

Oh well. I guess I'll learn one day.


Too many blog posts tonight. Too much on my mind. Too much driving me crazy.

Fat..?

I feel so flat.
Like absolute crap..

It is so hard, to do anything with weight loss, although I have in a week done 2kg, 4.4 pounds.
It's something and for that I'm really, really happy but I just feel really confused, lost, struggling. Everyone in the house, minus my father is on a health kick and it's all good but ughhhhhh.
I'm kind of stuck for words.

On the scales, since the last time i weighed myself, i mean like.. at the beginning of this year i'm really not too fat, from what I was, but it's enough to not be happy and to struggle and to attempt to get through this. I think I have a crazy goal and maybe i'm not giving myself enough time to achieve it and obviously it won't happen over night but its just so fucking frustrating.

When you see things, you want to eat them and IF you do eat them, most the time they taste so horrible. I was at my grandparents today into tonight and they offered me a can of diet coke.. I really had no choice to say no because he just handed it to me but to finish the can it took me hours. The taste of it was quite disgusting.. so that's soft drink out of it.. no problems at all.

But the rest sucks, I need to sort things out.. I need to find a way that it suits me..
Fuck fuckity fuck.

That's enough for now.

:)

Lover boy?

...maybe

Gymimg it.

It's been four days or so since I joined the gym, my sister is hooked an always going so of course I've been going with her, slowly getting more and more into it.. Although getting ready and leavin the house is the worst part. It's okay though. Four days since I've joined and I've so far been here three days. Not a bad effort for a dislike of gyms all together, battling weigh issue isn't really fun but it's time to make things better, more than letting myself and getting worse.

It's time to make the lifestyle change, rather than just do some crappy diets, healthy choices rather then.. Shitty ones. I decided I'm going to get off the diet I'm on and do just that, salads and tuna or chicken for lunch rather than sushi. I can do it. I wonder where this effort and positive look on things has come from. Funny thing is I'm sitting on a spin bike and my legs are going round and round as I sweat and type. So delicious.

Thanks muchly to all the people helping and supporting. It certainly does help when everyone in the house have started the health kick. Soon we'll look just as good, if not better than others.

:)

Dealing.

Sometimes, I feel like when I'm put in a situation I can't breathe, I get stuck and my first emotion is anger. I'm such an incredibly angry person and sometimes it drives me completely batty, the worst problem being that I know, how I get but my coping mechanisms don't seem to change, or I'm that stuck in a funk that I don't see any other way. Ican say that I have changed a load over the last couple of years but there's still so much growing to do.

I hate situations that make me feel uncomfortable. Even sitting next to someone where there's tonnes of tension. Right now I'm sitting next to the girl I always sit next to but there's so much negative tension between us that it's insane. It makes me just want to walk out and not come back till someone else is in the room.

It's not that I hate her, well maybe a little but she did things to get me feeling the way I do towards her, it wasn't just a random hate that appeared out of no where and till this day, it cotinues to be all about her and she thinks shes top shit because she does the work for one of the biggest companies ever. It's like HELLO you're completely fucked soon. As soon as they go, we becomes my bitch. Must train her well otherwise if there's errors, on shit she enters.. Good luck to her :)

Along with other, spare work that she'll be thrown I'm sure she'll have a whole load of fun. It seems like today she can finally move over and sit CENTRAL to her desk instead of everything  lapping over onto mine. Silly bitch needs to lean how to use a desk, without spreading her shit everywhere. Also some like, care for what she does and everyone around her instead of her 'oner' at the moment. It's like she's come in and from the beginning she was taken up under someone's wing and then believes that person is her boss, which she isn't and then furthermore, she has no respect for anyone else in the office, which of course makes the issues everyone elses and she's done nothing wrong.

Anyways, so you can see quite clearly that I don't know how to let go, but my head is so sore today by just siting here that I wanna reach over and slap her incredibly hard so she's knocked out and can't remember a whole while.


I hate the silent ones, they're always so deadly.

Loss.

I've got a new craze.

Lose 10kg in 5.. 6 weeks maximum.

So many people have told me that's too much, and for the moment the way I'm going with losing wright isnt the best, but all I want to do is drop it and the. Focus on makin it better and improving what I am to eat.

It's time for a change. It's time for a big loss. It's time to look after myself, time to make myself happy.

Goal is the weight and not to waste all this money I just spent joining the gym.

All I can say, is best of luck to myself. But I can do it, I'll push and get to where I want to be.

I can think of my next holiday of the reward, but obviously.. I'd like more then just 10kg by January.

We'll see. I may keep you guys posted. Its just the beginning of the journey.

Not worth it.

Hmm.

So, the best news ever. My dad has finally figured that enough is enough and he told the owners of the biggest company we do work for that we can no longer do it. Along with giving in his resignation on Monday, this means that one of the girls I dislike muchly will be out of a job, considering she was only hired to do their work. There is literally no other work for her to do. 30 days from Monday and it all slowly ends. The other lady, that I also dislike might also get a little hint and get back into her correct place. She's taken a little responsibility to a new level and thinks she's the damn boss, which we all know she's not.

She thinks that hate#2 is such a great worker, so hard working and what not.. And thinks she deserves to stay.. But she's always thinking about herself and not what's best for the company. Either way, really dad did say we may keep her for 10 hours work maximum but that will involve her helping me and I don't want to talk to her, let alone work with her soooo if it's up to me.. I'll never need her help and I'll do it all myself, hence we'll have absolutely nothing for her. *smiles brightly*

It's just not worth it anymore, to be honest. We could go so much further without them, even though it things had worked out it could have been great. We can give the other staff more work it they don't have this huge client and my father would finally get his weekends off as well. I mean, to have a life and be able to enjoy it? What else would anyone else want? The staff leave daily, they enjoy their weekends, time with their family and what not.. Don't they think we'd like that with our father as well?

One knows and says yes, the other must be afraid.. Thinking she'd lose her job too.. Although, she'll just work and do what she was hired for in the beginning. Her number one loss would be that her 'puppet' would be gone. Her best friend that's the biggest snob ever, would be gone. It'd be a calmer, happier environment knowing that I can wake up and that cow won't be here.

It would be, amazingly great.
I can't wait.

Parents.

I swear, sometimes parents get a little too much, it feels like you're trapped in a corner, your knees pulled up against your chest and your head dropped between your knees. My dad is easier to deal with and easier to be around than my mum is, but being that I work with him and my sister of course too.. it just makes life easier when you can get along and the person doesn't react at everything.

My mother on the other hand drives me batty, she doesn't work and practically sleeps most the day, if not she's gone out to the gym or to get her hair done and sometimes she's running errands but not too often. Beyond this my sister just moved out, a month or two ago and she thinks she's now doing everything. I mean for someone that doesn't work and spends most her day sleeping I'm sure its not too hard to be able to do some washing or some cleaning and even cook dinner at night.

Randomly you get these little side comments of.. "now that your sister is gone, I seem to be doing more" Its like she thinks we never do anything around the house. Never mind that we work 9 - 6:30 every day almost. Fair enough, there's three women and one male in our house, when we come across something we clean it, empty the bin, empty the dishwasher etc but we don't all the time. sometimes we're working and we're only out for a drink.. does she expect us to do it in like.. literally two moments?

Things like this make me go meh, its like when you do something, you don't get a thank you and she really doesn't care but if you don't do something she sits and bitches at you forever, her nagging is so incredibly annoying for someone that thinks she does everything, I reckon she does more nagging than anything. Although what  can I say? - Sleeping is quite tiering.

Girl you really turn me on. You know you make my engine run..~

That Terrifying Feeling..

Of wanting to give up, because only one thing was too hard.. because you feel so lost without that person/thing.. because .. I fucked up.. and the only thing i want to do is run, is to hide.. is to close myself away and attempt to deal with it, knowing it'll only grow worse. The best part is.. that there's probably no hard feeling.. and it'll all be perfectly fine.. but running seems to be the easy way out.

What is the fucking point anymore?
What's the point of working for your family when you never get heard, when no one takes the fucking time to STOP and listen to what ever you have to say but when someone else says the exact fucking thing? Is there a difference to what she said and what i said - no. there was nothing but you continue to always treat me like shit and not give a fuck about anything.

When you need to be payed and your staff, the next week payments need to be processed won't be paid  due to no money there's no fucking rush to get the money in on their part because the client is the important one and if they aren't happy we don't deserver more, DON'T factor in that you WON'T be paid therefore we WON'T need you anymore. Now it comes down to the fact that the client isn't happy and after a WEEK of chasing the same issue over and over it finally gets sorted, they still aren't happy and need more answers but we magically DON'T need to worry about that anymore.

My solution to the problem was perfectly fine. It wasn't wrong and nor did i do anything wrong. That stupid fucking cow needs to mind her own business and focus on her shit not whatever the fuck is on my screen. Things were passed along just FINE but noo. make a big fucking deal out of it.

Pathetic pieces of shit, i couldn't give a fuck is they suddenly fell into a deep hole, in the fucking ground.