thesecrazyfeelin'

Sigh.
These crazy feelings suck, one day I'm so happy due to some happy times and the next I'm all flat and bleh. Its not about sleep this time, considering I went to bed earlier last night.. it's just those feelings you get when you have the need to feel wanted, loved.. that feeling where you just want someone to hold you and accept you for who you are, not expecting more than you can give.. but will even settle with a little less on your down days..

The last week, moving through this week too almost every day, someone has come to me with their issues or this and that and I've been here for them, when they want to talk and just been a friend and I don't mind what so ever.. but I think I've finally hit my low.. seeing as its the end of the month too.. it kinda fits with all the other girly kinda stuff that happens too.. but today I just don't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, think of anything. There's only one person on my mind... and I wish he'd come online, I just want to curl up in his lap while he holds me.. nothing even needs to be said.

Meaningful.. 015

??

In my blog?

You make me wonder..

Thinking about today's conversation I had with someone really makes me wonder what I want to do..  makes me think about all the guys that seem to be 'interested' and the very few that I would bother with.. it always seems the ones that I am actually interested in don't show as much interest or.. could just be playing hard to get. I am.. afraid to do anything because ...

We were talking, and I brought up the fact that there's guys that get super clingy and that you just want to beat off with a stick.. and then there's guys that.. you're interested in and like but you're not sure if you should do/say anything..  so.. he said something and then I replied with.. "so you should chase the one you want" he turned around and he said.. not exactly chase, but you could subtly hint or let him know how you feel.. the conversation went on about rejection and all the things one would be scared of with doing these things.. and he told me that's just something you have to risk.. (not in those words but.. something more caring)

This guy, is truly amazing.. it.. it honestly feels different compared to all.. in a sense that.. I can explain..  but it just feels.. right? It doesn't feel like its going out the way to do something, or pushing towards/for something. It just simply means that if something happens it would be amazing but if not, to keep things as they are would be great, to have him close and all  the rest would just mean the world. Although in re reading that.. I truly think I want more. 

He does like to keep things secluded and not give out much information.. he's like, all mysterious. I love it.. and I'd love nothing more than to be able to be in his arms and be held forever.. fingers crossed for May.. 

So, after all that.. I would just like to say.. that person was You..

...

:D

Repeat.

It's been.. two and a half weeks since the last.. but i guess its back to feeling like this..

And I think this..

There's..

Meaningful.. 014

This is how i feel sometimes.. and sometimes i feel like i blog too much and things don't have enough meaning behind them.. it makes me want to write posts but i can't find words to be able to, I have ideas, titles but when I begin to write words nothing places together and i sit there just pondering for hours.. looking blankly at my screen. It makes me shrug, post another picture and move on, wondering what the next will be like.

Self Esteem

Define: Self Esteem - A Feeling of Pride in Yourself.

Self Esteem.. = Ultimate low.

Meaningful.. 013

wiiiiii....

Meaningful.. 012

Frustrations..

Hmm.. why am i so disappointed in you?
I mean.. its not my life and of course everyone can do as they please.. but.. it still seems I'm annoyed, irritated maybe a little upset and I can't figure out why you went back to something you weren't happy with.. maybe it just makes me sad.. to know that you're stuck there.. or maybe its the fact that apart from.. sexual desires it wasn't much else.. but whatever it was.. I just can't seem to put it into my head in a way that makes it even sound okay.. I do wish you the best.. and I hope you're well.. I Miss you an amazing amount.. and I'd give everything for just another hug.. or just one more sit in your lap.. but I guess, I need to let go and not let it bother me..  as I promised someone that I already had..

Just Sayin'

not all of you..

Tumblr.

So! I have a Tumblr.. it's not very exciting but I shall post the link so you lot can go look at my two posts on there.. I'd have to say, if I came across it first and spent a little more time discovering some of the amazing blogs and other things that are on there I'd have probably made my blog there instead of here.. but as for now it shall stay here and.. whoever wants to read and look may.. :D


My Link - http://therahhhster.tumblr.com/


If you spend some time to have a look through, you can find some amazing blogs, with some truly amazing information.. and some great pictures too! If anyone wants some links.. or has some good ones to share, please do! :)

Meaningful.. 011

"Don't take someone for granted just because you know everytime you push them away, they'd always come running back. Come one day.. they won't."

Meaningful.. 010

"To be in love. Being in love. What does it mean? Is it just one kiss, one passing glance or one smile, one feeling that fills the heart and overflows through every part of our soul? What is it really? Why does it feel so different than anything we have ever felt? What is love.. Love. Four common characters combined to form one word that means everything to everyone. One word that wrought the world as we know it, one word that keeps everything together, one word that can create as well as destroy. 

Yes the simplest of it just is the feeling when you wake up next to a person and hug them closer and smell their skin and feel their warmth and you know full well, that it doesn't get any better than this. "

-pureplay.tumblr

Tunes #1!

So.. since I post songs frequently, I thought I'd make a new title and actually call them what they are instead of mucking around to make and think of random titles that suit and or make sense.
Here's number one (:

India?

Please feel free to let me know who you are... you spent an awful lot of time on my blog today!

- All comments are approved by me first.. so no one else will know if you tell me your name and or who you may be :D -

Thank you.

**on this note.. anyone that's a frequent please feel free to leave comments. muchly appreciated!** 

Quote.. 005

“As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it’s harder every time. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You’ll fight with your best friend. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you’ll eventually lose someone you love.”

—	Lex Warner

A Little Collection.. 002

*digs through her folder..*

Ride the wave?

I hate feelings, I hate my mind, thinking, exploring ways to go, things to do.. sigh.
It always seems like the ones you can't touch are the ones you want most, crave, need.. or they are the ones you can be best friends with. But even then people get jealous and over protective. 

When do you know when things have gone too far?

Do you ride the waves and hope not to fall face first into them even when they look impossible.. or do you withdraw and let the other person ride the wave alone knowing someone's waiting for them on the other side..?

It seems that all the little decisions through life all add up and create something huge.. and when you finally get on top you freeze. not knowing if you should walk two steps forward or fall back onto the ground and start all over again.

That's all for now.. nothing but the same thoughts are running over and over in my head and I can't.. seem to put any words together.

Puppies!

she's a beautiful girl..

He's a whiney little fuck.

Together..  they're so damn cute!

Audio-man!

This is the entry I've put off for a few days.. I had a little think about it but I'm still not 100% sure, we'll just see where my words/train of thought take us...

I feel like writing this as if you're a fairytale. You're one of those people that words just can't express, one of those people that once you have as a friend, you'd never want to lose.
God! There's so much I can say about you and not enough words to be able to put my thoughts into.

You are.. One amazing man.

You make me smile when I'm down, laugh when no one thought a laugh was possible, I can talk to you for hours and hours, continue to learn new things and never get bored. You worry too much.. but "that's what friends are for" right? :P .. You expect nothing yet you give the world. With just one 'play' the whole world could be changed, I love, cherish, adore your audios, I could write so many words here about how much you mean to me and how much you've done for me, but I don't think I could find the words.

The words above, explain everything. Nothing else need be said.

Thank you Audio-man.

`With Much love.

One of these days..

soo.. not feeling well :/ stomach ache, temps... headaches.. ugh. 

A Little Collection.. 001

~A little bit of eye candy!~

...until next time :D

Crave 02.

so.. this is kinda a continuation on from the last one.. more along the lines of what the other stuff was on.. more about that person i had more to talk/say/mention about.. we could call him audio-man.. sounds like a fantastic name for him. soo hmm anyways, the last couple of days as we know have yet again not been the best, there's been time when people that you'd rather not see have popped up.. family seeming to be rather irritating and annoying.. even if you try to do what they ask they always seem to have an issue... and just other various things that always seem to tick that last little nerve that drives you that little bit more crazy, yet it just all gets kept bottled up and nothing happens other than.. from the inside out you get eaten alive with these horrible freaking things.

hmm hmmm hmmm .. hmmm has been the one word i've been saying a lot of lately, i've been asked on several occasions as to why i've keeep saying it.. it's just all these thoughts bottled up and really no way for them to get out.. even if i open up to someone its like not even 1/3 of the information leaves my brain but at the time it feels like its everything. Randomly over the last couple of days there have been random times where i've said something or something's said and i just feel like crying, pouring my eyes out and just.. that's all.. i just want to cry. its like.. it doesn't matter who's around or what's happening but i just want to cry... that's driving me totally insane too.

I hate that I can't control anything that's happening.. it's just so hard to make it through every day and keep my head up.. but in saying that it's not like i'm contemplating death because as crazy as thoughts are.. the thought of killing myself is just too crazy O.o
It will all be okay in the end... although in the mean time i do have some decisions i need made.. and a big one is to go to the states alone or to let my mum drag along... i'm thinking a trip alone would be amazing but i guess we'll see for that one too!


hmm i just realised that i mentioned audio-man at the beginning and no where else.. i believe you get your own post tomorrow.. 1:36am and i'm off to sleep. Goodnight everyone.

Crave..

To want.. to need...

The last few days i've been driven a little crazy, by my own thoughts.. all this.. stuff? running through my head, no way to stop it or to zone out.. struggling to fall asleep again.. even a night spent running through the dark side (read 'the dark side' to find out more..) honestly, the day after that night.. i freaked out. I don't want to go through all that again, those thoughts and all that.. torture if it needs a label. It was all hard enough the first time.

There's a few people.. that keep me sane and i owe them a big big thank you, especially to the ones that worry, and also.. to the ones that go through this journey with me.. and don't leave but make sure they're always there and always available to talk to, to take my mind off things as best as they can.. the ones who know when it's the right time to engage me in a long, deep conversation.. that could be about nothing much and the only reason.. is to take my mind off things..

Also a huge thank you to someone.. who sent me some amazing audios.. without them, some nights would be spent laying awake and frustrated.. all damn night! .. probably have more to say about you.. but this shall do for now.. a big big thank you!!

Hmmms i was going to write more.. but since this blog entry has been open and half written on my computer all day.. this can be enough for now.. and all boring with no pictures too :D

Holidays..

I think so! - My birthday gift to myself.. will be something along these lines....

Quote.. 004

"If fame were based on kindness instead of popularity, on understanding and not on worldwide attention, you would be the biggest celebrity on earth. And to my heart, you already are.."

- pureplay.tumblr

I Hate..

Bleh Moods!!

Yesterday i came home from holidays, i was happy and knowing he was going to be home eventually i knew I'd get my reward. He finally got home at 10:30pm.. 9:30 here and of course as said, i was was rewarded, which was amazing.. shortly after we 'cuddled' and were going to sleep.. I wasn't overly tired and but i layed with him, i spent the night tossing and turning unsettled and grumpy, I don't know how long it took but three hours after falling asleep, i was awake again.. broken sleep never leads to a good night of sleep. anyways.. I woke up kinda frustrated, which doesn't usually happen, he was there.. said good morning and whatever else usually happens.. and as the day has moved on I've slowly gotten more frustrated.. even after some release I still just feel bleh.. it's like.. this feeling that's clouded over my head and just won't go.. it's so irritating.. so frustrating and I don't know what on earth to do with it.  - being sick also doesn't help..

I'd write more.. about this new one.. but since he reads it and I'll get questions after I think I'll hold back for now.. even though I probably shouldn't.. *shrugs*

Explains a lot..

Fight For You

Confession.. 015

I will never agree to do anything for your amusement ever again..

okay.. maybe but more thought will be put into it.

Confession...014

Sorry but for now...

Orgasms..

Have Been...

Great way to start the New Year?!

We all know I've been on holidays since the 26th of December.. and it's been super hard to be able to play, let alone cum.. last time my 'interest' (yeah you know who you are) and i were.. in the process of playing.. very dangerously with family around, someone had to be super quiet... (me) my sister walked in just before we were both just about to cum, which of course left me super frustrated and so horny.. this was two days ago..

Today, being the first of Jan.. 2012.. someone mentioned on babble that they have been forced to 'edge' (get yourself right up there but not cum) and he thought oh that'd be some great amusement... and was like.. you should do that, but 36 times by the time you get home.. and four times when you get home.. cause he's all greedy and wants to hear.. some how i agreed to do this for his amusement.. (STUPID MOVE) and now I'm suffering.. so far on.. 10 i believe and there's only another 30 to go till i can cum, including two days waiting, even if i get to 36 before i get home and I'm already suffering and wanting so badly to just go all the damn way.

Worst part is... 1) he's done what he has wanted, the problem of not being able to cum that day I'm sure was fixed the next with someone else's fault.. also 2) he's not my Dom.. but being all subby as i can be and am..  i will listen.. and i guess he knows that, so he'll milk it for what it is and push it as far as he can to get what he wants. - you'd wonder who'd listen right? and then he gives you the whole "So you're not going to finish what you started?" line.. 3) He's not up for negotiation.. i tried.. and... he was too freaking busy watching his show.. so that failed... BIG TIME!!! :(..  Give them a little power and they just run with it, it's like giving a two year old a toy they really want.. what would they do?.. 

So.. I suffer through this torture.. and it sucks.. he so owes me big time when i get home.. better make this ALL worth while.. 

fingers crossed.