Falling to bits.

Its over.. that day finally came... I knew it was close.. but who knew it'd hurt so much.

Sigh.

- Forever your Angel.

confession.. 022

song,

no youtube option anymore?

I'm sorry.

These Complicated Things.

 My thoughts, ever since I've come back.. have literally been eating me alive and I'd be surprised if they weren't the reason for my fucking shitty ass sleep last night.. but life moves on. There are.. at least two people.. that seem to like me at the moment, although they are all in America (silly people) there's one that I'm very close and leaning towards as of late. Ever since I arrived home, all that has been on my mind is him, he's an amazing guy but I'm so incredibly scared, I've been open and honest with him the whole time this has been going through, he knows everything and there are no secrets.

I'm not scared of committing myself, I'm not scared of hurting him.. I'm.. just scared of myself. (If that makes any sense.) I've been the biggest mess, I've been so confused and lost that a lot of the time I just zone out and disappear into a land that I don't even know.. I guess its my route of escape to get away from my thoughts.. or to at least drown in them.

We've spoken many times about us being together.. and we've mentioned how it might not work.. and it always comes down to the option of 'what do you really want' is it worth trying for or should things just stay as they are, although on both ends the feelings are there, does anyone ever really know what to do? Is it maybe the fact that I'm so afraid of getting hurt over and over that I just don't want to do anything? I don't want to lead him on and drag him along.. so I've made sure to include him in my crazy thought processes. He's never judged me, never pushed me along in a certain direction, no matter what he wants and he's always been there from me, always.. from the time we started speaking, almost a year ago.

He does, and he knows that he means a lot to me and that I really do care.. It's really disappointing we didn't get to meet while I was there and I was quite close.. but I guess meeting just wasn't meant to be this time. Time apart and not talking made us both realise that we missed each other tremendously and how much one meant.. along with some other stuff from the past, which always factors in on my thoughts too.. which I'm not too sure if he knows.

I guess we'll just wait and see how things go and how they progress.. as for now, back to my unknown world.

Sigh.

I'm so incredibly antsy tonight.


Almost feels like, i'm about to break down mentally, physically and emotionally.
Like I'm.. I don't know how to explain it, I feel lost and like I want to cry... I've wanted to cry for days, weeks even, but he always seems to swoop down and rescue me just at the right moment.. I don't think today this will happen, I think I finally might have a chance to let go, and cry my eyes out till I can't no more.. except it'll get to the part of crying or where it's supposed to start.. and i'll be like.. what the fuck?

Besides such, I got three solid hours of sleep last night and.. a fourth hour, of very broken, interrupted sleep.. I'm completely shattered and I really wish for nothing more than to be in his arms, or just reading the way he types to me, the way he 'holds' me so close and makes me feel like he's actually here..

Funny, just as I was going through to fix a few spelling errors in those first couple of paragraphs, he replied to, two of my emails from earlier.. sure it means a lot.. but my mood has changed none, I feel no better and this REALLY sucks.

It hurts, so much.


Why does this always happen?


.One.Day.Hope.Isn't.Over.Yet.

...

Its so hard.. people think i'm so strong, can hold on.. but there comes a time when you can only go so far, till you fall apart.. and just at that stage, when no one's cared or noticed before.. they wonder why you're upser.. or angry.. or almost in pieces, emotionally, mentally.. and almost physically.. people never understand, people never care.

I Think..

He's my Knight in Shinning Armour..

Coming to save me.. One day soon..

Givin' Up

I think I give up with everything and everyone..

It's gone back to that time again.. that horrible fucking time.

Meaningful.. 016

Sigh.

what is wrong with me???

One day without him is like forever, I miss him an incredible amount..

I hate those gut feelings.. you know what you should do.. but you don't because you wish something else would happen instead.. fucking fucking fucking.

I'm hating life at the moment, big time.

Meaningful.. 015

You make me wonder..

Thinking about today's conversation I had with someone really makes me wonder what I want to do..  makes me think about all the guys that seem to be 'interested' and the very few that I would bother with.. it always seems the ones that I am actually interested in don't show as much interest or.. could just be playing hard to get. I am.. afraid to do anything because ...

We were talking, and I brought up the fact that there's guys that get super clingy and that you just want to beat off with a stick.. and then there's guys that.. you're interested in and like but you're not sure if you should do/say anything..  so.. he said something and then I replied with.. "so you should chase the one you want" he turned around and he said.. not exactly chase, but you could subtly hint or let him know how you feel.. the conversation went on about rejection and all the things one would be scared of with doing these things.. and he told me that's just something you have to risk.. (not in those words but.. something more caring)

This guy, is truly amazing.. it.. it honestly feels different compared to all.. in a sense that.. I can explain..  but it just feels.. right? It doesn't feel like its going out the way to do something, or pushing towards/for something. It just simply means that if something happens it would be amazing but if not, to keep things as they are would be great, to have him close and all  the rest would just mean the world. Although in re reading that.. I truly think I want more. 

He does like to keep things secluded and not give out much information.. he's like, all mysterious. I love it.. and I'd love nothing more than to be able to be in his arms and be held forever.. fingers crossed for May.. 

So, after all that.. I would just like to say.. that person was You..

...

Self Esteem

Define: Self Esteem - A Feeling of Pride in Yourself.

Self Esteem.. = Ultimate low.

Ride the wave?

I hate feelings, I hate my mind, thinking, exploring ways to go, things to do.. sigh.
It always seems like the ones you can't touch are the ones you want most, crave, need.. or they are the ones you can be best friends with. But even then people get jealous and over protective. 

When do you know when things have gone too far?

Do you ride the waves and hope not to fall face first into them even when they look impossible.. or do you withdraw and let the other person ride the wave alone knowing someone's waiting for them on the other side..?

It seems that all the little decisions through life all add up and create something huge.. and when you finally get on top you freeze. not knowing if you should walk two steps forward or fall back onto the ground and start all over again.

That's all for now.. nothing but the same thoughts are running over and over in my head and I can't.. seem to put any words together.

Audio-man!

This is the entry I've put off for a few days.. I had a little think about it but I'm still not 100% sure, we'll just see where my words/train of thought take us...

I feel like writing this as if you're a fairytale. You're one of those people that words just can't express, one of those people that once you have as a friend, you'd never want to lose.
God! There's so much I can say about you and not enough words to be able to put my thoughts into.

You are.. One amazing man.

You make me smile when I'm down, laugh when no one thought a laugh was possible, I can talk to you for hours and hours, continue to learn new things and never get bored. You worry too much.. but "that's what friends are for" right? :P .. You expect nothing yet you give the world. With just one 'play' the whole world could be changed, I love, cherish, adore your audios, I could write so many words here about how much you mean to me and how much you've done for me, but I don't think I could find the words.

The words above, explain everything. Nothing else need be said.

Thank you Audio-man.

`With Much love.

I Hate..

Bleh Moods!!

Yesterday i came home from holidays, i was happy and knowing he was going to be home eventually i knew I'd get my reward. He finally got home at 10:30pm.. 9:30 here and of course as said, i was was rewarded, which was amazing.. shortly after we 'cuddled' and were going to sleep.. I wasn't overly tired and but i layed with him, i spent the night tossing and turning unsettled and grumpy, I don't know how long it took but three hours after falling asleep, i was awake again.. broken sleep never leads to a good night of sleep. anyways.. I woke up kinda frustrated, which doesn't usually happen, he was there.. said good morning and whatever else usually happens.. and as the day has moved on I've slowly gotten more frustrated.. even after some release I still just feel bleh.. it's like.. this feeling that's clouded over my head and just won't go.. it's so irritating.. so frustrating and I don't know what on earth to do with it.  - being sick also doesn't help..

I'd write more.. about this new one.. but since he reads it and I'll get questions after I think I'll hold back for now.. even though I probably shouldn't.. *shrugs*

Explains a lot..

...feelings?

- It DOSEN'T feel like Christmas.

- He honestly, makes me happy

. Scared

. Excited

. Playful 

. Laugh

- Want to Cuddle
- A great distraction through the bad..

- I feel so happy.. but so lost all at the same time..

I say.. take things slow and see what happens, where things go.. and how things end up.

the end ;)

Failure.

Hmmm.. its.. 11pm (ish) here.. and i've had a quite busy night, went to church.. and then after that went to have some dinner & or pancakes with some friends we haven't seen in such a long time.. it was a good night, i spent most of church on my phone, replying very slowly of course so my mum or sister didn't see... hah yeah, bad girl! Anyways..

Point to this post.. is that.. I honestly feel kinda lost as of late, there's so many things i need to do, concentrate on for next year.. or that i need to do next year.. and i'm not sure if they're going to get done in the right time frame, of course eventually they all will but.. i guess we'll just have to see.. 

It's not like if its not done i will be disappointed, but being greek and with my parents beliefs its kinda hard... to not 'fail' for them, and to make them happy. 

We'll see where it all goes.. and i hope it all goes to plan.. that way i can move on to bigger and better things and all will go well for me and i can do as i like!

One Word..

[She's a bitch.. isn't she?]

Meaningful.. 012

You Make Me :-

1) Blog Crazy

2) Cuddle Crazy

To be continued...

Confession.. 013

[Thank you for making day 6 & 7 amazing!]

Meaningful.. 011