My thoughts, ever since I've come back.. have literally been eating me alive and I'd be surprised if they weren't the reason for my fucking shitty ass sleep last night.. but life moves on. There are.. at least two people.. that seem to like me at the moment, although they are all in America (silly people) there's one that I'm very close and leaning towards as of late. Ever since I arrived home, all that has been on my mind is him, he's an amazing guy but I'm so incredibly scared, I've been open and honest with him the whole time this has been going through, he knows everything and there are no secrets.
I'm not scared of committing myself, I'm not scared of hurting him.. I'm.. just scared of myself. (If that makes any sense.) I've been the biggest mess, I've been so confused and lost that a lot of the time I just zone out and disappear into a land that I don't even know.. I guess its my route of escape to get away from my thoughts.. or to at least drown in them.
We've spoken many times about us being together.. and we've mentioned how it might not work.. and it always comes down to the option of 'what do you really want' is it worth trying for or should things just stay as they are, although on both ends the feelings are there, does anyone ever really know what to do? Is it maybe the fact that I'm so afraid of getting hurt over and over that I just don't want to do anything? I don't want to lead him on and drag him along.. so I've made sure to include him in my crazy thought processes. He's never judged me, never pushed me along in a certain direction, no matter what he wants and he's always been there from me, always.. from the time we started speaking, almost a year ago.
He does, and he knows that he means a lot to me and that I really do care.. It's really disappointing we didn't get to meet while I was there and I was quite close.. but I guess meeting just wasn't meant to be this time. Time apart and not talking made us both realise that we missed each other tremendously and how much one meant.. along with some other stuff from the past, which always factors in on my thoughts too.. which I'm not too sure if he knows.
I guess we'll just wait and see how things go and how they progress.. as for now, back to my unknown world.
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