Givin' Up

I think I give up with everything and everyone..

It's gone back to that time again.. that horrible fucking time.

Crave 02.

so.. this is kinda a continuation on from the last one.. more along the lines of what the other stuff was on.. more about that person i had more to talk/say/mention about.. we could call him audio-man.. sounds like a fantastic name for him. soo hmm anyways, the last couple of days as we know have yet again not been the best, there's been time when people that you'd rather not see have popped up.. family seeming to be rather irritating and annoying.. even if you try to do what they ask they always seem to have an issue... and just other various things that always seem to tick that last little nerve that drives you that little bit more crazy, yet it just all gets kept bottled up and nothing happens other than.. from the inside out you get eaten alive with these horrible freaking things.

hmm hmmm hmmm .. hmmm has been the one word i've been saying a lot of lately, i've been asked on several occasions as to why i've keeep saying it.. it's just all these thoughts bottled up and really no way for them to get out.. even if i open up to someone its like not even 1/3 of the information leaves my brain but at the time it feels like its everything. Randomly over the last couple of days there have been random times where i've said something or something's said and i just feel like crying, pouring my eyes out and just.. that's all.. i just want to cry. its like.. it doesn't matter who's around or what's happening but i just want to cry... that's driving me totally insane too.

I hate that I can't control anything that's happening.. it's just so hard to make it through every day and keep my head up.. but in saying that it's not like i'm contemplating death because as crazy as thoughts are.. the thought of killing myself is just too crazy O.o
It will all be okay in the end... although in the mean time i do have some decisions i need made.. and a big one is to go to the states alone or to let my mum drag along... i'm thinking a trip alone would be amazing but i guess we'll see for that one too!


hmm i just realised that i mentioned audio-man at the beginning and no where else.. i believe you get your own post tomorrow.. 1:36am and i'm off to sleep. Goodnight everyone.

Crave..

To want.. to need...

The last few days i've been driven a little crazy, by my own thoughts.. all this.. stuff? running through my head, no way to stop it or to zone out.. struggling to fall asleep again.. even a night spent running through the dark side (read 'the dark side' to find out more..) honestly, the day after that night.. i freaked out. I don't want to go through all that again, those thoughts and all that.. torture if it needs a label. It was all hard enough the first time.

There's a few people.. that keep me sane and i owe them a big big thank you, especially to the ones that worry, and also.. to the ones that go through this journey with me.. and don't leave but make sure they're always there and always available to talk to, to take my mind off things as best as they can.. the ones who know when it's the right time to engage me in a long, deep conversation.. that could be about nothing much and the only reason.. is to take my mind off things..

Also a huge thank you to someone.. who sent me some amazing audios.. without them, some nights would be spent laying awake and frustrated.. all damn night! .. probably have more to say about you.. but this shall do for now.. a big big thank you!!

Hmmms i was going to write more.. but since this blog entry has been open and half written on my computer all day.. this can be enough for now.. and all boring with no pictures too :D

unsaveable.

This is how i feel a lot of the time.. while I'm so lost and so far away from everyone, everything.. even sometimes these evil thoughts.. but its things I need to sort alone, no one can help me, only I can help myself..

[Thinking of stopping these posts for a while... to concentrate on other things.. we'll see how it goes.]

The Dark Side.

Lately.. well for a while I've hated doing anything.. hated sleeping... hated stopping for a moment to think about anything, hated sitting on the bus to just sitting in the car for two minutes, zoning out is like.. torture.

It eats me inside, it makes crazy, unrealistic, scary, worrying things run through my head, and i can't stop them, i can't change my thoughts (except sometimes one way..) most thoughts have to follow through and or finish.. everywhere i look another crazy though pops into my head, feeds off it, makes it worse, makes me scared, makes me think.. it's not right, its crazy.. and its all beyond my control..

I hate this dark place, this dark side... it freaks me out.. the images that pop into my head are like they're out  of a horror story..  its like I'm in a world of my own, everyone running away and no where to hide.... no one else is there, matters.. its just these thoughts and I.

There are a few issues that come along with these terrible thoughts, the main one effecting my sleeping patterns, the fact that i hate sleeping..  if there is anything i can do to avoid sleeping, I'll do it. even if it means I'll have like three hours of sleep per night, sleeping at the wee hours of the morning.. or staying up long enough for me  to have to force myself to sleep..  it sucks, the next day I'm always so tired, exhausted.. but i have no other choice, it's like I'm afraid to.. close my eyes or to stop keeping my brain busy a moment or two.. because of those thoughts..  its driving me crazy...

more on this another time... i'm sure this is going to be a never ending issue for the moment... and i'll have more to add and to talk about it.. so.. more to come.. for now, this song.

[ Just because I'm losing

Doesn't mean I'm lost

Doesn't mean I'll stop

Doesn't mean I will cross

Just because I'm hurting

Doesn't mean I'm hurt

Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve

No better and no worse

I just got lost

Every river that I've tried to cross

And every door I ever tried was locked

Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off... ]